Why Me? Why Now? Why This?

Yesterday, I cried. I cried for the first time since I was diagnosed almost two months ago. I think the reality of what is going on is finally starting to sink in. I think deep inside of me I felt like I didn't have the right to be upset about having Crohn's and everything seemed to be moving so fast that I didn't really allow myself to sit and absorb all of the changes that have occurred in the past few weeks.

I went from feeling wonderful about turning 40 and getting a physical and having my doctor say that I was in good health. It was my own personal birthday gift. I have been eating clean for three years now and  to hear that it has been working gave me this sense of accomplishment. My report showed no high blood pressure, no diabetes, my iron was only a little low but not dangerously low, I have good cholesterol levels. The only thing I needed to work on was getting to a healthy weight. I found the Paleo way of eating was working great for me. I lost 11 lbs in a month primarily juicing and eating lean meats, fruits, veggies and very little carbohydrates.

In a month, I was admitted in the hospital to find out I am not so healthy after all. The truth of the matter is that even though I was hospitalized for five days and told I have very severe Crohn's Disease, something inside of me just did not want to believe it. I did not want to believe all of what I was reading online and what the doctors were telling me about my prognosis. I seemed to think after feeling better, I should be okay, right? Oh the things we trick ourselves into believing.

Well, yesterday was my wake up call. I am still battling it out with Crohn's. Although I am determined to get better, I have to accept that it may take a long time. As I sat alone in my doctor's office, realizing that I have gone from a person who didn't even have Tylenol in her home to someone now dependent on six different medications just to get through the day without pain and the danger of a flare up, all of the emotion just filled up inside of me and I let the tears flow. Why? Why? Why? that is the only word my mind could think as I sobbed. It is the question heavy on my mind today. Why me? Why now? Why this?